29 March 2012 - Today.
Life is so immensely fucked up + ugly.
Still, so long as I am alive,
I cannot stop living.
Reading the news can really eff your shit up.
I compare my daily, personal struggles (education/loan debt; medical debt; mental and physical health problems; insurance bull crap; car troubles; pay check-to-pay check woes; job/career dissatisfacation; general quarter-life crisis…)—I compare this with one day’s worth of world problems…
What comparison is there? But, am I not entitled to my life? It is struggle enough to not crumble under the weight of it all. It’s nothing in comparison, still, right?
I was reading about the lost and homeless pets in Japan (re: March 2011). And I am at work crying.
It’s difficult to not curse the people around me for their paltry banter about the most inconsequential things. Then, who am I to say what they care about?
Today - I am happy to have life…even though it’s all fucked up.
20 March 2012: Today.
When all else fails, ask this of yourself.
Then, carry on.
even for those who you feel inclined to hate or judge.
I have been avoiding reading anything about this situation because it would only infuriate me. This. This makes me question everything I want to believe in and about people. The article title calls it a “curious case.” What’s so curious about it? That the white assailant is free and one less black boy is living? This. This makes me scared for black babies and boys…especially the boys. Still. This. They can be murdered for any ol’ reason. And nothing. No recourse. Not mass outcry.
This is not the type of post I want to make here - perhaps, this would have been more suited from my personal tumblr and blog. I don’t know. All faith in humanity is lost with these things. You are not safe from the ill intentions of people who think you fit a profile, who think you are plotting. It makes me sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. If you still want to believe racism and ALL it’s counterparts do not exist and are not rampant in 2012 — you are delusional. And while I aim to love everyone - even my enemies and those who seek to harm me (this is difficult) - I find it hard when I hear of things like this.
when i say i have been on a learn-all-things-buddhism kick…
…i mean that.
And everything I am reading and have read is uncanny.
This, above all else, is what I have been striving for in my everyday life.
I have a tattoo that reads lovepeacehappiness/amorpazfelicidad. I thought, “If I cannot have these things in my physical life, I will have them with me eternally.”
I seek love daily. I seek peace daily. I seek happiness daily.
Though, I would probably settle for the constant love and peace over happiness. Happiness is tricky. I think.
But, like I told a friend just a few days ago, the world is ending (figuratively, mostly) and there are greater things to worry about (than anything I am currently stressing).
Carrying on, I shall.
I am mostly just reading things on the internet about Buddhism (I am most intrigued by the idea of lovingkindness. THIS is me—to love and be kind. I have long considered kindness to be my true religion. Mmmm). I am reading a lot on StumbleUpon. I will probably buy a few books (hardcopy to fully enjoy the process of highlighting and margin writing).
I cringe at the idea of “Zen living” and yoga and Buddhism, since they’ve been completely romanticized and watered down by the media and the folks we call celebrities. It’s as if only the rich and famous and well-to-do are allowed to have and/or seek peace.
The ideas are simple and not at all confounded. Love. Kindness. Suffering. Peace.
I am naturally drawn to this. It makes sense that I absorb this ideology for myself.